Monday, October 12, 2009

Look for Him...

March 11, 2004
11:53 AM

...I want to take a moment to thank all of you for the amazing support. People have been coming out of the woodwork! We have truly felt your prayers carrying us. You all know me (and my Drama Queen tendencies) and I have really been pretty calm so far. We have a long road ahead of us, however, so I ask that the prayers continue. God has spoken to me in ways that He never has before the last couple of weeks. And, as horrible as this situation may seem, I feel blessed to have experienced Him in a way that I never have before. I plead with each of you to continue to lift us up. Pray that God will guide us in selecting a treatment schedule for Chad. Pray that his body will be receptive to the treatments. Pray for healing as soon as He would allow. Pray, as well, for strength for Chad and our family. My mother is feeling encouraged (after Chad's recent pathology results), but we all acknowledge this will be a long road.

Thanks again. You guys are the best. Love to you all...

Have you ever really looked for God? Be honest.

During this time, I needed to see God. I needed affirmation that He was real, even if I had bowed to Him all my life...all of sudden I needed proof. Just between me and Him, I needed to lay eyes on Him, feel Him...experience Him. If I was going to trust my brother into His care in this matter...right or wrong...I needed to know He was there beyond a shadow of a doubt.

The Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end...the Maker of all Creation. Somehow, in my desperation, I found the humpha to ask the great I AM to show Himself to me. Amazing. Even more amazing?

I think it tickled Him.

As I began to "look for God" I found Him all around me. This is a frustrating entry to write, because there is just no way I could possibly describe how He ministered to me in the physical personal...

It was during this time that I began to understand what we mean when we say "a personal relationship with Jesus Christ." It was personal...this blossoming relationship over Lover and loved, and soon, between lover and Loved. Do you understand? He showed Himself to me in ways that only He could have known. He really cared! He really knew! He really hurt..for me. It all really mattered to Him...a great deal, in fact. As I cried and poured over His Word, as I saw His Hand move to comfort me as panic sought me all hours of the day, as I prayed and begged...only to look to Him and experience the strangest calm and even, dare I say Joy at the work being accomplished in our suffering. I realized in all of this how crazy He was over me, and yet if He still deemed it necessary to allow this suffering over my life and the lives of those I must be for a great purpose indeed.

Trust. Rest.

I don't remember when I began to do this, but I saw redbirds as God's sign to me of His care and faithfulness to Chad. I saw them EVERYWHERE. It just wasn't normal how many cardinals I saw...almost daily. I would sometimes laugh out loud at their unusual appearances...He seemed to even have fun with it, as He saw the delight it gave me when I spotted those lovely creatures. My family adopted this tradition, and we enjoyed it together as we shared stories of who saw redbirds when. It continues to this day.

The Christmas after Chad passed, he had only been gone a few months. It was...difficult beyond words, to speak truthfully. Some of you know exactly what I mean. Traditions that have for so many years been cherished, all of the sudden become painful and dreaded in an inescapable way. We decided to bunk tradition and spend the Holiday in the mountains, at a cabin in Linville, NC. The season was bittersweet, but God laid His hand of protection and blessing heavy upon us, and we managed to survive it amidst tears and laughter, and an awkward cloud of pain that hung over us. I found an abandoned puppy, a tiny little thing, near Blowing Rock. An engaged couple I met on the street there wanted to take him home, but asked me to keep him overnight until they could pick him up on the way home. We had such fun with that puppy! The perfect and precious diversion...straight from the King of Kings. My sweet Comforter.

Christmas morning we woke up to a fresh snowfall...just enough to cover the ground. That in and of itself thrilled my soul, but He didn't stop there. Mid-morning, as we were readying ourselves for a Christmas brunch, my father called quietly for me to come over to a near window...

There, in the snow, was the fattest and most beautiful redbird I had ever seen. He tarried on the lawn, enjoying the snow. We wept.

What a precious Savior we serve. Don't miss Him. Full of might...and full of mush over His beloveds. He's my Sweetheart.

Ephraim indeed.

The picture at the top of the entry today was taken with my cell phone and was the last picture I took with Chad...on his boat at sunset on Lake Tillery...perfect peace on still waters...

Do you see Him? It's all about the Cross.

The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork.
-Psalm 19:1

Look for Him today, beloved.

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