The Sweetest Thing...and He Does All Things Well

I'm about to have an extended weekend and it's all I can think about it.

Must...find...concentration.

Somewhere.

So...on to my point...

My man has the sweetest momma and she did the sweetest thing for me this weekend.  Mrs. Ann is thoughtful in a way that I am just not...cards for every occasion and really meaningful gifts that let you know she listens to what you say and she knows what is important to you.  That sort of thing.  It's a such a gift (that I don't have) and she definitely has it, and I am so thankful to have her.  I am often on the receiving end of her kindness and I don't take that for granted.

I am now going to attempt to upload a picture of the aforementioned sweetest thing...pray for me.

Look at that.  It worked.  PTL.

Now, I recognize you likely have no idea what this is because, lets face it, my iphone photog skillz are seriously lacking, so let me explain.

Last month I was so thrilled to be asked to write an article for the Local Church Connection...a free magazine that services a few counties in mid-Georgia.  This is where my beau grew up, and his folks live down there.  Anyway, long story short I wrote the article and it came out last week.

I got published. 

I'm not going to lie...it was a little thrilling.  Even though they spelled my name wrong.  I'm working on getting over that.  I will let it go. Soon.

Or tomorrow or the next day.  ;)

So...the "sweetest thing" is that Mrs. Ann had the article matted and framed for me.

KIND.  I mean, I will treasure that always and forever.

Thank you, Mrs. Ann. 

Now that the article is actually in print, I thought I would go ahead and post it here.  And in late breaking news, they've asked me to write regularly for the magazine.  So excited.

Because I loves to write.  Loves it.

But, lets face it...Marti needs a deadline.

Excuse me...I mean Marty needs a deadline.

Maybe Marty could be my Pen Name.

I digress...again.

 So, here it is...

He Does All Things Well

Several months ago, I took a Friday off and drove to my hometown of Albemarle, NC for the day. I live about an hour from there in Charlotte, so it’s an easy trip…and I needed a dose of home to clear my mind and heart. I spent some time at a local park my family frequented on Sundays as I was growing up, moved on to my childhood home, visited my older brother’s place on Lake Tillery to sit on the dock for a while, and then ended my day at his final resting place, on a hill in the east part of town.

As I moved through town that day, I almost moved through the last 20 years of my life…remembering moments and people, firsts and lasts, dreams and heartaches, long abandoned, long forgotten. There at Chad’s grave, in the early afternoon, I kept saying through my tears, over and over, “It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It was never supposed to be this way.”

It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

I saw a quote last week from William Shakespeare that caught my attention. It read, “Expectation is the root of all heartache.” Actually, it didn’t just catch my attention…it stopped me dead in my tracks. That day at the cemetery, I was full of heartache. Never in any of my expectations growing up was my older brother dead at thirty-two. Never in any of my expectations growing up would my family suffer through terminal illness and funerals, while our peers celebrated weddings and babies. Never in any of my expectations growing up had I failed in so many ways. Never in any of my expectations growing up did life look like it currently does. In fact, never in any of my expectations growing up was life this…hard.

“Expectation is the root of all heartache…”

I learned a great many lessons during my brother’s illness, death, and the grief that has followed. But there is one golden truth in the hearts of those that have suffered profoundly and yet still managed to keep their eyes and hearts towards Jesus, and that truth is that inside the darkness of pain there is an abundance and wisdom and richness that can never be found elsewhere. Only Jesus can take the darkest moment of your life and shine His light so bright that the best of your life is birthed right out of the pain. Only Jesus performs those miracles. I doubt five years ago I could have verbalized that…today, I live in the midst of it. Today, I enjoy blessings that came to me on a path that began with my brother’s death. I write that with tears. It’s a hard thing to say, to admit…but it is the truth. I don’t have to understand it for it to be the truth. So, I’ve stopped trying to wrap my brain around it all, and have chosen to accept it and be thankful for it. It is a truth so treasured because it is so rare…many miss it in the midst of their suffering. Why?

“Expectation is the root of all heartache…”

That day at the cemetery, I was mourning the death of my expectations. Life is in no way what I thought it would look like at this point. Given that, I suppose I could choose bitterness and regret…choose to live my life in the past, struggling with the “what-ifs” and “if-onlys” that can plague a mind and heart. But, as I look back…this is a story that only He could write. It is a journey rich in meaning and people and lessons and stories…moments and relationships I wouldn’t trade for the world. My pastor closed his message this past Sunday by challenging all of us to look back over our lives…all of it, the good right along with the bad. Yes, there are probably some things we would want to change, some things we regret, some things we may have done differently or wished had turned out differently…or at least we wonder what would have happened if we had done it all a little differently. But, the past is in the past and, in the end, I must admit…eventually…

He has done all things well.

I serve a God who is sovereign. I serve a God who is strong. I serve a God who is good. I serve a God who is faithful. I serve a God who is always for me. I serve a God who makes no mistakes. I serve a God who knows better than me. So, every day I make a choice to deliberately set aside expectations and assumptions about my future, to live only in the present day, and to be at peace with my past. Every day, I have to make a choice to give God His own way in my life. Some days, some seasons, I am better at it than others. But I have learned enough to know that He will write a far better story of my life than I ever could. I have learned that He knows my dreams, my desires, and my passions far better than I do. Why? Simply put, because He is my Maker. Who knows a masterpiece better than its own Maker?

I think Bubba Watson said it best in a post-Masters interview, when asked to put his emotions on his big win into words…

“I never got this far in my dreams.”

Well said, Bubba. I never got this far in my dreams either…

He has done all things well.

What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men.

He has made all things beautiful…in their time.” –Ecclesiastes 3:9-11

On the Issue of Insecurity...

It's been two months...it's been too long.  I know dis...I know dis...

Seriously, I just wrote half of a post and it disappeared on me.  Poof!  Vanished.  I'm going to choose not to be grumpy about it and persevere.

Several months ago, I began to meet with a precious and I mean PRECIOUS young woman to talk through some struggles she has been facing.  She's just a doll, truly.  And we meet at The Cracker Barrel, which makes it all the more fantastic.  Everything is better with biscuits and honey, you know?  Anyway, I had heard great reviews of Beth Moore's new book, So Long Insecurity, and it seemed to really fit the situation, so I suggested we read the book together...

For her sake, of course.

Wrong.

I have never, in my adult life, really considered myself insecure.  I mean, everyone has their struggles, but insecurity is just not been at the top of my list of issues.  Well, I mean, in middle school...yes, I was insecure.  But I was in middle school!  And if you saw pictures of me in middle school, you would understand why...

It was unfortunate.

I digress.

Insecurity.  Don't get me wrong...I know I have issues, believe me!  But, I just haven't really ever sat around wishing I was prettier or smarter and skinnier or more talented, or wishing I had this or that or if I did have those things I would somehow be more worthy or loved or validated.  I am all those things and more in Christ!  (Don't you love my Sunday School answer???)  But, seriously,  I have always sort of had the stance of "take me or leave me, I is what I is."  Not in a mean or disrespectful way, just in a confident sort of way.  Now, of course, we all have our moments of insecurity, but I would never have considered it a stronghold, something that controlled me in any way.

As it turns out, I is indeed what I is, and what I is...is insecure.

Drat.

That reminds me of this one time, in high school, they were doing an article in the school newspaper on one thing that different people would want to change about themselves.  They asked Chad, and he literally said, "Nothing.  I can't think of anything."

Seriously. This what I grew up with.

I digress. 

Again.

Back to my point...the book gave me a very stout proverbial slap in the face, to put it mildly.  It's a work I think every woman should read, Christian or not.  It is chapter after chapter of material on how women relate to other women and to the men in our lives out of insecurity that is often so undetectable it is considered a cultural norm.  And, in that, we fail to connect, we fail to grow in and with one another.  Unity is hard to achieve.  Honesty is hard to achieve.  The true fellowship that women so desperately need with one another is out of reach if all we can do is size one another up and compare.

Just read the book.

In fact, I'm gonna go home and read the book again.

I'm not going to give away the farm...no full book review.  But I do want to share one quote from the book that I ran across this week on a sticky note.  Apparently, it confounded me enough to write it down and stick it in my day planner.  Here it is...

"Are others worth what it would take for you to live in the security of Christ?"

There is a verse in Hebrews that is one of my favorites...not because it is particularly pleasant but because it is particularly true.  It says, "See to it that no one misses the grace of God, and that no bitter seed takes root, that may grow up and defile many." (Hebrews 12:15)  It's the last part that gets me.  What the verse is basically saying is that your choice to be bitter about whatever it is in your life that didn't go just as you expected it should, it's not just eating away and destroying you...it's defiling the people that you love, the people around you.  Your bitterness hurts other people, too.  And in that, you are causing them to miss out on the grace of God.

Ouch.

So I thought of that when I read this quote in Beth's book.  It's the same concept.  My insecurity...aka, my bitterness that I am not something that I feel I need to be...is affecting the people around me, the people I love and share life with.  So the question remains...are the people in my life worth what it would take for me to truly be secure in Christ?  Are the people in my life worth showing that I can be confident and joyful in the place that He has put me with exactly who He made me, no matter the challenges?  Or do I want to drag them down with me, as I lament what I perceive as a bum lot in life?

It's something to think about.  I don't have a pretty little bow to wrap it all up with today.  The truth is, in my current place in life, God has seen fit to unveil my insecurities and force me to reckon with them.  And I reckon with them daily.  Am I worth it?  Am I good enough?  Am I pretty enough?  Am I clever enough and smart enough?  Am I talented enough?  These are questions I wrestle with daily in one way or another.  He is allowing things to be said that I want to allow to wound me.  He is allowing situations to occur that I want to show me that, no, I am indeed not good enough.  He is allowing moments to happen that I want to prove that, no, I'm not going to be worth it.  He is allowing all of these things...to show me that in Him, man cannot destroy me.  In Him, I am all I need to be.  In Him, I have all the resources to succeed at every plan He has made for me...in Him.

It's my choice to believe Him or not.

And If I DON'T believe him, I can destroy relationships that are dear to me.  If I choose NOT to believe Him, I can hurt the people that He has entrusted me to share life with.  If I REFUSE to believe Him, I don't allow myself to live in the fullness and abundance of His perfect plan for my life.

It's something to think about.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,

according to His power that is at work within us,

to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!

Amen."

Amen, indeed.

Ephraim.



Quotables

I'm mildly obsessed with Pinterest.  It's gotten a little better, but it still qualifies as an obsession.

My favorite board, of my own, is my "Quotables" board.  It's full of little nuggets of truth and wisdom found here and there, and when I go to it and read them one by one...I cry.  I do.

Here are a few...

And the one with my name ALL over it...

These are just a few.  Aren't they powerful?  You find the like of them all over Pinterest and it reminds me...we're all searching for truth.  We all want to know "the Truth."  We look in different places and believe far too much of our own opinions, but we all desire to know...what is it that's going on here?  Where's the truth in this?  I asked God just today, in fact.  If we don't know His Truth, how can we follow His plan?

I know I've been quiet on the blog...and the truth of that is, sometimes you're far too busy figuring out your own stuff, searching for the truth in your own circumstances, weaving through the day to day of a life only God could orchestrate, to pass along anything of any consequence to anyone else.  And that's just the truth.

Sunday is Chad's birthday.  I remember a few years ago, when my earthly age surpassed what my older brother's ever had.  It was August 22, 2009.  I was 32 years, 7 months, and 9 days old.  I actually counted.  It's probably a little weird, but I did it.  I can't exactly verbalize why it mattered to me, but it felt like I was embarking on the unknown...territory that he had not scouted before me, as a big brother always had.

I don't exactly know what I want to say, except that I'm still here...and I'm really fighting and trying to do this thing with God.  I'm so humbled often times when folks make such beautiful comments about me or the blog or my family...such incredibly kind things to say.  But...I just want you to know...no one is perfect.  We all fall short.  We all struggle to do this thing with God.  We all get confused and lose our way...we're all fighting to make sure we don't lose sight of The Truth.  You're not alone.  Whatever struggle you face today, whetever failure, whatever confusion, whatever circumstance or problem...you're not alone.  We're all imperfect beings...it's why Jesus had to come.  To save us not just from our enemy, but from our very own selves.  So I need you to know today...you aren't the only one.  You aren't the only one struggling to get it together or fighting to keep it together.  You aren't the only one wondering, when will it all just be...good?  You're not alone.

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart;

Yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

- Ecclesiastes 3: 1-11

It's Heaven we're searching for, Heaven we're longing for, Heaven we are chasing.  Heaven right there in our hearts.  In every "I though that would be more fun" or "I thought I would be more successful" or "Why can't I get it right" or "Why is this so hard" or "Why won't this work out" or "Why can't I be satisfied"...it's Heaven we're longing for.  Yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. No one can fathom Him, what He has done, what He is doing...no one.  There's a big chunk of Truth right there. 

What is He doing?  Only He knows.

And He is bigger than my failures, bigger than my heartache, bigger than my confusion, bigger than anything I face, and...

And He is more than able to make my life right here and now abunadant, joyful, peaceful...FULL.

He has made everything beautiful in its time...



I will trust Him.  Do your thing, Lord, and take me with you...



Happy Birthday, big brother.  You are one of a kind, and you're missed more than all my words or tears could tell.  Scout out Heaven for me.  We're coming...thank you, Lord.

Ephraim. 

The Blessed Whatever...for Lilotisme.

Happy New Year...

What is it about a new year? Of all things it inspires hope...hope in new beginnings. I ran across some notes I made the first few days of January 2011 in my devotional last night. Man...God was faithful to a tee. Not in the ways I expected at all...but in the perfect ways.

Father knows best for sure.

This year was a really good one...a hard one in some ways, but hard in the best way. It has had, among other things, some questions from me over issues of direction...I had just been so sure God was leading me in a certain direction for years, only for Him to abruptly interrupt that. It's a little confusing, but I think I was likely a little obstinate and even presumptuous about the vision I had been operating under..and what is so funny is the new circumstance is so similar, but completely different. And it isn't a vision...it's where I AM.

It isn't a vision, it's a reality.

So often I think we ask God to bless our plans. Or maybe we even get a glimpse of what He is doing and we run with it, manipulating all along the way as soon as we take control. And maybe we forget to look around at where we ARE, what our reality is that that moment, and see Him working. Or maybe we are so sure of what is coming, we pass up what he has for us today.

As I glanced back through my devotional journey last night, I noticed just weeks before this "new direction" took place, I had written these words...

"I embrace the Blessed WHATEVER"

I don't really remember what was happening in that moment, but I do remember I had listened to a sermon where that phrase, "blessed whatever," was used. I think it was Beth Moore, but not positive. But, what I am pretty sure of, is that I was probably frustrated in my "vision" to even embrace that phrase and meditate on it.

The Blessed Whatever. I just love that.

I was telling a sweet friend today that lately God has laid a visual on my heart that has really resonated with me. I keep thinking of an infant...still tiny, but to the point that it is ready to be soothing itself to sleep. Does anyone remember that episode of Mad About You, when Paul and Jamie were trying to get through Mabel's first night of putting herself to sleep, and they huddled by the door holding the baby monitor? They were crying together, wanting so badly for her to settle. Their hearts were breaking, because they knew she was afraid she had been abandoned. They wanted to rush to her side, but knew in the long run, this was for her best.

I often feel like that infant. Alone in a dark room, absolutely panicked because I'm afraid I have been abandoned, that terrible things have or will happen, that no one really loves me or is ready to fight for me. Feeling as though I have been left...

When I haven't been left at all.

Feelings aren't truth.

All the while the infant cries and panics in it's crib, the mother is outside the door, preparing it's next meal or washing it's clothes....buying all it's needs and preparing for it's future. While that baby lay there, screaming and sure it has been abandoned and deserted, it's loving parents are readying all it's needs. The baby panics...for absolutely no reason. It panics because it thinks something terrible is happening...but that isn't the truth. The truth is that it's loving parents are preparing for everything it needs.

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

-Philippians 4:16

I am so often that infant....assuming the worst as my God prepares for my best. That baby kicks and screams and pitches a fit...while it should be resting peacefully, completely confident that it is wholly and perfectly cared for...today and always.

One of my goals for 2012 is to embrace the Blessed Whatever. To rest peacefully, and let God work the rest out. When I panic, when I kick and scream, when I give in to fear, or believe I am alone or abandoned, I'm robbing myself of the peace and comfort that is mine in Christ. Fear and anxiety are never from God...it is NOT what He intended for us...

For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind.

-2 Timothy 1:7

When I am sure what I think and feel is right, assuming I know all and I know best, I am robbing myself of the peace and comfort of resting in God's perfect will. When I am stubborn, and stay in my sin and deception, I am robbing myself of the comfort and peace of resting in God's arms. When I fight God and His will, I will end up exhausted, spent and frustrated.

And...again...I am not trusting God. I am not trusting God with ME. He will leave me in that crib until I rest in Him peacefully. In God's world, our calm is a force of action. It's peace that makes things happen. That is truth. God doesn't honor my panic, attempt for control, or manipulating of plans.

And when I find that rest in Him, I am readying myself for His perfect plans over my life.

...but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

-Isaiah 40:31

Hope.

This year, I am embracing the Blessed Whatever. Last year was full of adventures and curve balls, truths and treasure, sanctification and tons of grace and mercy. And it was chock full of blessings. This year, I am embracing whatever God has for me...no strings attached. No anxiety, no fear, no obstinacy about what I want or believe is best for me. I am waiting with excitement and gratitude for the blessings of God because I am confident in His love, and that He gives good gifts to His children...and He gets to choose. Have thine own way, Lord.

The Blessed Whatever.

Ephraim just keeps on coming. Thank you, Lord.

Happy New Year...

Hope Is The Thing...

(Sorry about the spacing issues. I've worked and worked on it,

and it just isn't going to cooperate today. - Marti)

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul

And sings the tune - without any words

And never stops at all.

- Emily Dickinson

Last evening at the Christmas Eve service at my folk's church here in Charleston, the pastor spoke on the second coming of Jesus. It seemed a bit strange at first, as a Christmas message. But, then as I thought it through, like the most normal message in the world. Why on earth hadn't I heard it before? Why wouldn't we celebrate the hope of our Savior's second coming, as we celebrate the faithfulness of His fulfilled promise by His first coming...as a poor baby in a humble manger?

The hope of His second coming means the end of this way of life...no more pain, no more tears. No more lonely hearts at Chrsitmas, no more orphans or abuse, no more hunger or need.

It's a day I hope for every day of my life, but most especially on days like today, when an empty stocking hangs on the mantle. And you realize, six Christmases later, it's just never going to be what it was. Then you stop yourself, and hope for the day it's a new kind of wonderful, and work to appreciate the blessing of the day you're in...

Hope is a funny little creature, isn't she? She hides out in the strangest places and then jumps out in the oddest of places and smacks you across the face. Then she runs ahead, always just a step ahead...always just out of reach, but always there. A constant and joyful, if not maddening, companion. All those years ago, the Israelites had waited and waited and waited...for generations...for their Savior King. Isaiah and the other prophets had foretold of His birth in...as we look back now...eery detail. They expected that when He came, He would grow up and be the very King to come and deliver their nation from Roman rule.

Wait...deliver them from what?

Roman Rule.

Now, I have heard a lot of things, but never have I heard it said, "Thank goodness Jesus came to earth to die for our sins and allow us eternal life, I just wish while He was on that cross He would have delivered the Jews from Roman rule."

Really.

I mean, I get that this Roman rule issue was a hot topic to the Israelites back in the day...but Jesus came to deliver a whole lot more than Israel from a whole lot more than being ruled by the Romans.

Golf ball. That's all I can think right now. Golf ball. I know you don't get it, just bear with me.

There's a bigger picture. I'm preaching to myself here, by the way. Having to remind myself for the gazillionth time that the world does not revolve around my bottled blond head. There's so much more to the story. Yes, the Savior came...in the strangest and most unexpected of ways, which is a God thing if there ever was one...but He came to deliver a world from ourselves, our selfishness, our flesh, our greed, our own nasty sin and our Enemy.

Not Roman rule.

Do you have something you are hoping for? The Jews had prayed and hoped for the Messiah for generations...and He came. He just didn't come in the way they were looking for, nor do what they assumed He would do.

You know what they say about assuming...

He had bigger fish to fry than Roman rule...like the eternal life of mankind. And yet can't you imagine the old Jewish ladies wailing and lamenting their bondage to the state of Rome, and why doesn't God send a Deliverer...while the lives of all of those around her and to come were being decided by the actions of one holy man...

Born in a stable, sleeping in a cattle trough, wrapped in rags.

What are you hoping for? Could it be that, maybe, it isn't coming in just they way you thought it would? Maybe it doesn't look like you thought. Maybe it isn't doing what you thought. Maybe it just isn't at all what you thought...

Maybe there are bigger fish to fry than our own problems.

Maybe God is asking, as His people, for a little patience and cooperation as He fries some bigger fish.

Maybe there is more at stake than me, myself and what I want.

Hope is a funny little creature.

Because here's the thing: Even when things aren't going my way, even when I'm confused or disenchanted, even when I'm pouting and feeling sorry for myself...there's a little voice inside me that says, "God is up to something. Cooperate, please. This in not all about you, Princess" And, something inside of me, knows I'll be glad that I did. Something inside of me knows, He has a great big plan. And it is good. He...is...good.

I can hope in Him.

There is just something about Jesus. Even in my most tragic moments when I've thought I'll never smile again, He eventually wells up in me with a joy I can't describe, and hope springs up again, and again, and again, and again...

Hope springs eternal. And as it springs, I know...there are bigger fish to fry.

Christmas doesn't look like it once did, and if I'm honest, I spend a good deal of the 24th and 25th of December with a lump in my throat, pushing back tears. This isn't what it should be. This doesn't look at all like it was supposed to look...

What are you hoping for this Christmas? Maybe it won't come in the package you expected, or do just what you thought it needed to do. But, aren't we glad that little tiny Savior King saved more than the Jews from more than just Roman rule?

Yes, there is a bigger picture. But in all that, He remembers me...

and you. ;)

"And we know that God works all things together for good, for those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28

Merry Christmas.

Oh, the Paradoxy

Paradoxy.

I don't even know if it's a word.

But, it is today. (thank you George W. Bush and all your strategery.)

I guess I could google it real quick, but I'm not into all that.

So, I changed the look of the blog, just to keep you all on your toes. I wish I could be super-savvy and somehow figure out how to customize the website and make it all super-cool and super-personal and you all would be super-impressed. But, alas, I can't find the time to do all the plain old regular things that I NEED to do, much less all the super stuff I WISH I could do.

Can I get a witness?

However, just to make a point, the new outlay IS a map, and the title of the blog IS about a road...

I'll take it. Game, set, match. (Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, I played tennis. And not very well. At all.)

Soooooooooo...I'm sure you're wondering when I'll get to the point, but I absolutely love mindless chatter blogging, and I don't do it nearly enough. I wish I was half as clever in real life as I am over written words.

Do you love that I just called myself a clever writer?

No...what I actually did was say that I was a more clever writer than I am in real-life. But that isn't saying much. I'm exceptionally dull in real life, and have moments when I nearly have stage-fright trying to come up with something interesting to say.

It's ridiculous.

But seriously, thank you for your patience.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." -Romans 12:12

So, pray for me...

(Now...wait for it, because I'm about to tie my mindless chatter in with my actual point in a genius, yoda-type fashion.)

Paradoxy.

Look close at the verse again.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." -Romans 12:12

It's slam full of the paradoxy.

God laid this verse on my heart after, well, what He would likely call a meltdown/temper tantrum of epic proportions that I had with Him a few months back.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who has the nerve to throw a fit to the Master and Creator of all things. Please tell me. Please. Right now. Tell me.

So, I pitched a fit...and He gave me a word. Which was very kind of Him considering the fit I was in the midst of.

In moments of extreme distress, where I feel little hope and no way out and I am on the verge of full panic, I remind myself (for the THOUSANDTH time) that my feelings DO NOT AND NEVER WILL equal reality.

Let's say it again...

REALITY.

Me and my feelings don't create reality. I don't invent truth. I don't make the rules.

Imagine that.

I know it seems like these things would be obvious, but I seem to have to remind myself of this seemingly basic truth an obnoxious amount.

You all have no idea how much I climb all over my own nerves.

So, anyway, I'm right in the middle of my fit, trying to convince myself that the world doesn't revolve around my head and the sky is actually NOT falling, and I ask God for a word. If I couldn't come up with some TRUTH, I needed (badly) for Him to shed some.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." -Romans 12:12

Now, at first glance, I really dig this TRUTH. It talks about hope, for crying out loud.

I can get into some hope. I can get down for some hope. I will GET UP for some HOPE.

Ok, but keep reading.

There's gotta be some patience.

In affliction.

One more time...

Patience.

In affliction.

From me.

Oh, dear.

I'm just going to go ahead and say something here that I have thought for a long, long time. Here I go...

I think Jesus is a little bit sneaky.

Now, this is nothing I haven't said to Him directly, and , of course, I mean He is sneaky in only the most holy and good and perfect of ways.

But, sneaky nonetheless.

For instance. In this moment, He's telling me that I have permission to have HOPE...something that brings a much needed balm to my sore soul...

But, as He does this, He's also telling me, by the way, that there's gonna be some affliction in that hope, and He's expecting my patience.

Really?

Paradoxy.

Am I the only one who just wants something to be easy? I'm just being honest here. I look around and some things seem to come so easy to some people. And I seem to make everything so difficult...

Now, I could write a whole other blog entry about that last statement I made, and all the myriad of things that make it wrong, wrong, all wrong...

I know it's wrong. But I just wanted you to get my point.

Can't something just...be...easy?

So, I lamented the paradoxy for a while.

Hope...in affliction.

Joy...and patience.

And then, I begrudgingly remember that no great man or woman of God, or anything else for that matter, ever became anything without a fight, hard work, discipline, mind over matter, blood, sweat, and tears....

And some affliction and patience.

(Insert sigh.)

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." -Romans 12:12

So, I stopped my fit, got on my knees, thanked God for the word, straightened up my face, and got busy praying...and thanking, and trusting, and asking....

And, before you know it, I had some hope. Some real live HOPE.

He may be sneaky, but He sure knows what He's doing... ;) (And thank goodness, because I don't have a clue.) So, get joyful and hopeful. Be patient in your affliction...because the sky is NOT actually falling. And y'all be faithful in prayer. (For me. I clearly need it.)

But, seriously...

Ephraim, people. He always brings it home to Ephraim. Fruitful suffering.

Just like my Jesus. ;)

See you back here at Christmas...

Big hugs!

(and spell check just confirmed that paradoxy is, indeed, NOT a real word. There I go, making my own reality again...)

Scared Dogs

My little friend Cheryl told me last Saturday night that I remind her of Ree Drummond, the Pioneer Woman...which I think is just about the most fabulous thing anyone could ever say to me other than I remind them of Jesus (which has never happened, but I'm working on it, and Ree is a CLOSE second.) She is so quippy and clever and I SO want to BE quippy and clever!

Thanks, Cheryl. ;)

Serious face.

I got my chops busted today for not blogging in a while. I've told you all this before, but when I blog it's really personal and usually sort of emotional for me. Anything I write about you can bet I'm living at that moment....happy, sad, good, or bad. I'm a work in progress for sure, and as hard as writing is sometimes, I have to admit it helps...so here goes...

A wise man once told me (this morning) that a wise man once told him (a long time ago) that a scared dog never gets the bone.

Utter brilliance.

Vulnerable.

Do you know what that word means? It may be one of the scariest words in the English language...


vul·ner·a·ble 
/ˈvʌlnərəbəl/ [vuhl-ner-uh-buhl] adjective
1. capable of or susceptible to being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation
3. open to assault; difficult to defend


Mmmm...sounds like a ton of fun, eh?

So many of us have been wounded in our lifetime. And if you haven't yet, it will come. And I'm not talking about losing a dog or even your grandmother passing. I'm talking about the kinds of wounds that alter a soul and change your life. Wounds that cut to the quick and leave you questioning everything you thought you knew...

Wounds that come from a blow.

It could be the untimely loss of someone. It could be the end of a career. It could be a terrible diagnosis. It could be the severing of what was believed to be a forever friendship. It could be years of abuse or neglect. It could be a house burning or a child dying...but it tears you apart in such a way that you truly wonder if you can continue to breathe in and out and put one foot in front of the other.

All these years I have been telling you to choose life in your tragedies. To glean the wisdom and other treasures that can be found ONLY in the darkness. To choose better over bitter when life hands you a blow...

It's a great message. An important message. But it isn't the end of the story...

Vulnerable.

Whether or not we choose better over bitter in our own tragedies, the fact remains that wounds leave scars. They don't just disappear and never affect us again. Those wounds and scars shape us and our decisions and perspectives for a lifetime. So...I have been asking myself some tough questions lately about just that, and one of the first realizations I had in the midst of it was that it has been a very long time since I have allowed myself to be in a position to be hurt. I mean...it has been a loooong time since I have made a direct decision that has placed me in a situation that had the ability to profoundly wound me. And as in long time, I mean since Chad died.

5 years...

It's called self-protection.

It isn't healthy.

Now, maybe that doesn't sound like a big deal to you, but it's really blown me away. If you had asked me a year ago if I was doing this, I would have said no way...but God has revealed to me differently. Ways that I would have thought I had been risking pain or loss, really lost the abilty to hurt me any more a long time ago. And, as always, He's right...I had put myself in a comfortable corner, covering my wounds. And, here's the deal...if you're avoiding the risk of being hurt, you got a trust problem.

A trust in God problem.

So, true to form, God has placed me in a position of vulnerability to show me this trust problem. To remind me that my fate, my future, and my heart, is in no one's hands but His own. Mind you...the only completely trustworthy hands this old world has to offer. And I'm in them! In that place, fear loses it's power over me...

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

-1 John 4:8

If I can wrap my pea brain around how much God loves me...that HE IS LOVE...and that His love is complete perfection, never waivers, and is NOT based on my perfection or my good works, then I begin too understand that His plans for me and His thoughts towards me, whatever they may be, are good, and perfect....and lovely.

Even the wounds.

Ephraim.

I want so much to be brave despite my wounds. I do. I want to have courage to do great things for God...if only Marti didn't always seem to be getting in the way. I want to fight to win even when it hurts. I don't want to cower in a corner with my hands over my scars, afraid for the next blow. And I don't want to walk away from a battle. I want to be in the middle of what MATTERS and make a difference. I want to be a warrior...

Warriors get hurt sometimes.

But a scared dog never gets the bone.

Don't you think it's amazing how your heart can actually ache? Let me tell you, when my heart begins to ache, even just a little...I hope someone can relate to this...I start to panic. I'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for me, but my heart ached for the 2 years and 7 months my big brother was sick...constantly. And it ached for a solid 3 years after he died. And now? A little heartache makes it mighty hard to breathe, and takes me to a bad bad place...

It's called self-protection.

It's isn't healthy.

And I want the bone. You know what I'm saying?

Wouldn't I rather be wounded again and it matter for something, than sit on the sidelines and be good for nothing? Wouldn't I rather my heart ache for a reason, than let my heart go numb? Wouldn't I rather go into battle and lose, than never even put up fight? Wouldn't I rather be vulnerable in the battle, than worthless on the sidelines?

Wouldn't I rather fight for that bone, than settle for a lifetime of nothing special?

I sure do hope so.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

-Ephesians 6:10-13

Often times...the greatest battles are on the soil of my mind, my flesh and my fear being my enemy. But let's not forget that we have an enemy that feeds off that flesh and that fear, and he wants our bone...

For God gave us not a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and love and discipline.

-2 Timothy 1:7

The enemy is a liar, and God is in control.

The ultimate victory is already His...and I am His. I will choose to trust Him today, and then again tomorrow and the next day and the next day...vulnerability and fear don't exist there.

Let's do the hard thing.

Let's get a bone.

Ephraim.