Thursday, March 18, 2010

A Challenge...for Me...

It's been a while. I know, I know.

It's been a little over 3 years since Chad died, and in those 3 years my life has changed in many ways. There's very little, aside from my home, that has stayed the same. I have now found what I call a "new normal," and have moved ahead with my life. I don't like to say "moving on." That makes it sound as though I'm leaving Chad behind...I'm not. I take him with me wherever I go...but life has to move forward. So...on that note...as far as the blog goes, I've done some soul-searching. Here is what I've come up with:

First, I feel this pressure to say something really profound each time I write on the blog. It's exhausting, and makes me dread the blog instead of enjoy it. Ridonkulous. This one is easily fixed: "Lighten up, Marti. Give it a break...you're not the poet laureate of NC." Done. All better. Next...

This one is a little more complicated.

I found out a lot about myself in my brother's death. It was, truly, both a blessing and a suffering all in one. Ephraim...it's what it's all about. My love of speaking and writing and serving for the glory of God all came from the fruit that I gleaned, the abundance I found, in Chad's sickness and death. I LOVE what I do. I found my passion not in spite of but because of my suffering. It's a beautiful thing. The problem has arisen for me, however, that every time I write or speak...I have to go to that place. I have to remember that face, sit at his bedside, have those conversations with him, read those emails...over and over and over. I have to keep it all alive in me in order to share...so that hopefully our suffering can inspire you to find the blessing in the trial as well.

I want to do it.

But, I will admit, that it has worn on me. As I have prayed and pondered over this, it really comes down to discipline and obedience. If this is what He has called me to do, then I must go there...because it what He has asked me to do. And every time I do...Chad's suffering matters more and more and more...

But not in MY strength. It has to come from God.

Would you pray for me? Would you pray I can learn to exercise His strength in this endeavor? Otherwise, I'm wasting your time and mine. It's futile.

I commit to you that I will post once a week...it may not be life-changing, but it will be His work, and not mine.

Will you hold me accountable?

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." -2 Corinthians 12:9

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