Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Holding Fast...

I'm so distracted.

So.

Distracted.

I am having to fight for every complete thought that I manage. I think it's comical that I'm attempting to write today...I have no plan, really...

I went to a Living Proof Live event this past weekend with a ton of great girlfriends. Man...it was a blessing. Beth Moore speaks my language, and her teaching always leaves me with something to hold onto, something I can apply to my life that day. I went with lots of friends, but one in particular has just fought and scraped and warred to get herself out of the gutter and keep herself out of the gutter, and I found myself just watching her. I was so blessed to be able to stand beside her and enjoy some victory and freedom in the midst of the battle. She has come so far...I could weep over it...love her to pieces.

Alex and Pamela's wedding is just 6 short weeks away. Most everything is done for the actual ceremony, which will be in Charleston so my grandfather can officiate. I can remember clear as day the evening that little boy came into this world. Chad and I fought from the moment Alex was born until Chad left for college, but neither of us ever lacked any love for that little nugget. I can see him growing in my mind's eye...squatting in his diaper behind the catcher at Chad's Little League games, throwing off his tiny little mask and yelling ,"OUT!" as he watched the big boys play...the first day of school in that hideous outfit mom made him wear with the ducks on it...his own small-town baseball career that we treated like the blasted big leagues...his tender heart and sweet spirit...what he told the guidance counselor in 6th grade after Chad and I were both gone off to school, "Like to see them come, like to see them go," he said...throwing ball in Miss Dot's front yard with the Johnsens..high school days full of pick-up trucks and smelly boys...high school graduation, after Senora Harvey busted up graduation practice to inform Alex aka Roderigo that he had indeed passed his Spanish final and could go to college!!! Oh, the days... I'm so thankful for Alex's life. It's been a life of healing. He has been just what we needed time and again. That baby was no accident. He wasn't even a surprise. He was ordained by God...

It's an exciting time in the life of the Sullivans. I know I have told you before that from the time that Chad became really sick until about...mmmm...maybe 18 months ago or so...my memory is a fog. I can't remember a great deal of anything from 2004 - 2010 except that which had to do with Chad. I can remember his road, his treatments, his surgeries, the good news and the bad. I can give you a play by play of his last week, his death and burial. I can look back and pinpoint my stages of grief, the times I lost my mind and the times when he was so close I felt like I could reach out and touch him. I can see my family's mourning together, how we have fought to work through our loss and the tears and awkwardness it brings. I can remember so much about all of that...but not much else...

But sometime in the last year or so, I woke up. It's not as though I have been depressed for 7 years. Not at all! It's just that everything revolved around surviving that loss. I know I have shared with you before...it's been so strange to see my peers celebrating marriages and births...while we buried our beloved and navigated the stages of grief, personally and as a family. But today, after fighting for every moment we chose not to become bitter or angry, for every moment we fought to keep our eyes on God and trust Him that our circumstances should not change His greatness or His love for us, I can honestly say that I am totally convinced...we're going to make it.

We are going to make it.

So...now I'm getting pretty giddy excited about a weekend of family and celebration. A time of joy that feels so long overdue...but I know my Savior's timing is always perfect. I'm just mighty glad this time has come!


"What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful...in it's time." -Ecclesiastes 3:9-11

Ephraim.



My prayer is that I never...ever...forget that in any season, in joy or pain, in death or life, in victory or in defeat, who my Lord is...and I will hold fast to Him all the days of my life.

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